Couples Therapy in Croydon

When you're having the same fight in different words

You're both good people. You love each other. So why does every conversation feel like navigating a minefield?

You've tried talking it through. You've read the books, maybe done a workshop. You know you're supposed to use "I statements" and "listen without defending." But somehow you always end up in the same place - frustrated, misunderstood, wondering how two people who care this much can get it so wrong.

If you're looking for couples therapy in Croydon that goes deeper than communication techniques, that might help.

The problem isn't that you don't communicate. It's that you're both working so hard to avoid hurting each other that you've stopped being real with each other.

What's actually happening

Underneath the arguments about money, sex, or whose family to visit at Christmas, there's usually something simpler and scarier.

One of you is terrified of being controlled. The other is terrified of being abandoned. One shows love by doing. The other needs to hear it said. One of you disappears when things get hard. The other won't let anything drop.

You're not choosing this. You're both running old programs - the ones that kept you safe before you met. But those survival strategies are now colliding with someone else's. You end up triggering each other's deepest fears while trying to love each other.

Then you both wonder what's wrong with you. Nothing's wrong. You're just stuck in a dance neither of you choreographed.

How couples therapy works

I work psychodynamically, which means in our couples therapy sessions we look at what's underneath. Not just what you're fighting about, but why these particular fights leave you both feeling annihilated. Not just how to communicate better, but what you're each desperate to say that the other can't hear.

I've been training at Tavistock Relationships - proper training, not a weekend certificate. But more importantly, I understand what happens when two people's defences crash into each other. I work with individuals too, so I know how these patterns form and why they're so hard to shift.

In our sessions, we won't just talk about your relationship. We'll watch it happen in the room - how you relate to each other and to me. The dynamics that destroy you at home will show up here too, where we can actually see them.

This isn't about techniques

We won't waste time on communication exercises or dividing up talk time. Instead, in our relationship therapy sessions we'll explore why one of you shuts down when the other gets emotional. Why certain topics feel impossible. Why you can both be trying so hard and still feel completely alone.

I'm not here to keep you together at all costs. I'm here to help you understand what's happening between you. Sometimes that means finding a different way to be together. Sometimes it means separating with clarity instead of chaos. Either way, you'll stop being prisoners of patterns you didn't choose.

Who this is for

Couples who are tired. Properly tired. Not "we need a weekend away" tired but "I don't know if we can keep doing this" tired.

Maybe you're great in a crisis but terrible at Tuesday evening. Maybe you haven't touched each other properly in months. Maybe one of you is already halfway out the door and the other is desperately trying to hold on.

Many couples come to therapy when they're already at crisis point. It's understandable - you both kept thinking things would get better on their own. But it's a shame too, because by then the patterns are deeply worn in and the work takes longer.

This isn't quick work. You didn't get here overnight and you won't leave overnight. But if you're willing to look at what's actually happening instead of just trying to fix the surface, something can shift.

Couples therapy in Croydon - The practical bits

50-minute sessions, weekly (90-minute initial consultation)
In person in Croydon or online anywhere in the UK
Fee: £95 per session
Evening and weekend slots available
Currently accepting new couples

My couples therapy practice is in central Croydon, a short walk from East Croydon station. I work with couples across South London including Bromley, Sutton, and surrounding areas, as well as offering online couples counselling throughout the UK.

Email me at hello@talktoluke.com. Tell me what's not working. Don't worry about being fair to both sides or explaining the whole history. Just start with what's happening now.

What we might explore

Why you keep having the same argument
The thing neither of you will say out loud
How you each learned to do relationships
What you're both really afraid of
The ways you hurt each other without meaning to
What intimacy actually means to each of you
How to be honest without being destructive